By Chham Kumari Gurung
The close of the year provides a moment to acknowledge the struggles we have all undergone as a nation, most especially this year, with the tragic deaths of teenage children, amongst many other innocent civilians, on September 8th. We continue to grieve for our country and our people, and in the midst of it all, strive to do the best we can for our children.
Being a teenager is characterized by confusing and difficult transitions. Navigating this phase is demanding for the young person, and the responsibility of parental guidance is frequently just as taxing, or on some days, more taxing.
How then do we form deeper connections with our children and ensure that they know they are loved and celebrated as they learn to be adults in their own meandering ways? How do we teach them justice, interdependence, compassion, and instill empathy? We may not always have the answers, but here are some ways that have been proven to be effective in helping form stronger bonds as you continue to gently guide them.
The Unofficial Milestones: Celebrating the Quiet Wins You Might Have Missed
The teenage years are full of huge, but often subtle, developmental shifts. Focusing on these lesser-known milestones can be a wonderful way to reinforce your teen’s growing competence and your family’s evolving strength.
Parents are conditioned to celebrate the “big” milestones: good grades, graduation, acceptance to the college of their choice, and trophies for sports competitions, which may not come easily for many or at all. Some significant milestones are not loud and celebratory or social-media ready, and yet they are embedded in the fabric of daily life, shaping your family in the most profound of ways.
Here are some lesser-known family and individual milestones with a teenage child, and ideas on how to celebrate them.
Milestones of Emotional and Relational Growth
These often happen in the quiet moments but are crucial for their character.
• The Intentional Apology:
- Milestone: Your teen has a heated argument, but later comes back, unprompted, to give a genuine, non-defensive apology, or is open to a conversation.
- Celebrate: Immediate, sincere verbal recognition. Pull them aside and simply say, “That took a lot of maturity and courage. That’s a huge step for you, and I appreciate it more than you know.” You are celebrating the emotional courage and self-awareness.
• The Family Contribution:
- Milestone: They actively and sincerely listen to a family member’s problem (yours or a sibling’s) and offer helpful, empathetic advice or support.
- Celebrate: Elevate their status. Acknowledge their role as a contributing family member. Say, “You handled that situation with [Sibling/Parent] with such wisdom. Thank your strong presence in this matter.”
• The Independent Moral Stance:
- Milestone: They make a difficult choice that aligns with their values, even if it means disappointing friends or missing out on a fun event (e.g., leaving a party where there was substance use, standing up for a friend who was being treated unfairly, sharing unconsented photos/videos).
- Celebrate: A “Hero” Moment Conversation. Have a one-on-one talk where you recognize their integrity and moral compass. “I heard about what you did, and I want you to know how proud I am that you have the courage to do the right thing, even when it’s hard.”
Milestones of Self-Discovery
These are achievements in forming their own unique identity.
• Mastering a New, Self-Chosen Skill:
- Milestone: They finally nail a tough guitar chord, finish a complicated coding project, bake a new type of bread, or read a classic book completely on their own initiative.
- Celebrate: The Expert Showcase. Ask them to teach you the skill or show you the finished project. Put a spotlight on their interest. For a baker, frame a picture of the finished product; for a coder, let them show off their work to a family member they respect.
• Finding Their Own Style (and Sticking to It):
” Give them a small, thoughtful card (or a funny, homemade certificate) and recount the interaction, emphasizing how proud you are of their communication and problem-solving skills.”
Chham Kumari Gurung
- Milestone: They settle into an aesthetic, hobby, or personal belief, e.g., choosing vegetarianism- something that is authentically theirs, and are comfortable defending it without needing peer approval.
- Celebrate: Affirmation through Acceptance. Take them shopping for something small that is completely in line with their new style or hobby. Say, “I love that you’ve found something you really connect with. Let’s get something to support that.” Explore options for vegetarian restaurants/ prepare dishes together.
• Completing a Long-Term, Non-School-Related Personal Goal:
- Milestone: They save up for a specific, expensive item, organize their room for the first time, or complete a big fitness challenge (e.g., running a 5K).
- Celebrate: A Themed Experience. If they ran a race, get them a shirt from a cool, new running store. If they saved for a camera, go on a family outing to a beautiful place just for them to use it. The celebration reinforces the power of their own follow-through.
Milestones of Independence and Responsibility
These mark the shift from you doing for them to you relying on them.
• Successfully Handling an Adult Interaction:
- Milestone: Your teen calls to make their own doctor/dentist appointment, stocks up on food/essentials independently, or resolves a minor issue (like a messed-up order) without you intervening.
- Celebrate: Give them a small, thoughtful card (or a funny, homemade certificate) and recount the interaction, emphasizing how proud you are of their communication and problem-solving skills. Follow up with their favorite small treat.
• A “Big” Responsible First:
- Milestone: They take full ownership of a complicated chore (e.g., research for college/applications, managing their own travel arrangements, consistently getting up early without an alarm).
- Celebrate: If appropriate, give them a physical token that represents this new responsibility, such as a key to a cabinet, a new wallet, or a gift card for a “grown-up” tool related to the task (e.g., a nice planner).
• The “I’ve Got This” Moment:
- Milestone: You realize you can trust them to manage an entire evening or weekend without supervision, and you actually relax knowing they are in charge.
- Celebrate: Let them choose a fun, late-night activity for the family (a late movie, a complicated board game, a special dessert) and let them plan and execute it completely. The celebration is about recognizing their reliability and judgment.
Which of these milestones feel most relevant to your family right now? If you are able to try out some of these suggestions, I would love to know how your teen responded. Do email me at chhamkgurung@gmail.com
