By Chham Kumari Gurung
Do you still remember a time when your children looked at you with so much love and adoration? When they wanted to spend every waking hour with you, even waiting outside the bathroom, wiggling their fingers under the door, demanding to be acknowledged and how they laughed at all of your silly jokes? The same children as they grow into teenagers, seem to turn into individuals beyond recognition. They often doubt your expertise on any matter, debating with you on any given subject and reserve a special brand of sarcasm only for you. Or even worse, they may stay glued to their gadgets, without responding at all to any of your attempts at conversations.
Troubled parents have often consulted with me, lamenting the loss of bond they once shared with their offsprings. On the other hand, teenagers I have worked with have shared how their parents do not seem to be cognizant of their changing needs; that they are talked at, nagged at and criticised, further widening the gap in the relationship. Their parents are no longer the safe space they once were.
The world our children inhabit today is a world starkly different from the one we did as youths. While we had our own set of challenges, we will never be truly be able to fathom the complexities of the online world our children navigate on a day-to-day basis and the direct impact on them.
Ironically, while they may shoot up overnight and tower over you and seem to be extremely well-informed, now, more than ever, they will need our love, patience, guidance and support. The connection they have with you as their primary care-giver will be crucial as they transition into the exciting, beautiful and sometimes frightening world outside. Here are some ways you can rebuild a secure base for them to return to, as you and your children navigate these unknown waters:
Connect Through Their Gadgets
Instead of fighting the technology, use it as a bridge to connect.
• Become a Co-Gamer or Co-Viewer: Ask them to teach you how to play their favorite video game (like Minecraft or Fortnite) or watch a few of their favorite YouTube or TikTok creators with them. This shows genuine interest and gives them a chance to be the expert, which they will love.
• Use Tech for Shared Projects: Turn screen time into an interactive activity.
- Create Together: Try making a short video, editing photos, learning a coding concept, create a playlist you both enjoy or building a shared world in a game.
- Text on Their Level (with boundaries): If they rarely talk in person, use text or their preferred messaging app for short, fun check-ins or inside jokes. This acknowledges their primary communication style.
• Discuss Digital Citizenship: Use their interests as a springboard to talk about online safety, identifying reliable information, and cyberbullying. This shows you care about their whole life, including their digital one. - Introduce Unplugged Connection
Co-create engaging, screen-free moments that they can enjoy.
Focus on Shared Activities
• Family Rituals:
o Family Date: Letting your child practice autonomy by letting them choose the dishes to cook/ order in and a movie of their choice.
o Family activity: Walk in the neighbourhood/ a drive to nowhere. Parents and teenagers from all over the world have vouched for this. No eye contact is required, which lowers the pressure. Use driving time to simply put on their favorite music and listen together.
• Board Games & Puzzles: Modern board games of their choice. They will definitely gloat over your defeat. Do NOT be a sore loser.
” Encourage and facilitate activies that naturally require them to put the gadget down: Sports, art, playing, a musical instrument, or volunteering.”
Chham Kumari Gurung
Establish Clear Boundaries & Routines
• “Tech-Free” Zones/Times:
- Mealtimes: Designate dinner (or breakfast) as a mandatory phone/gadget-free time for the whole family (parents included!). This is vital for conversation.
- Bedrooms at Night: Keep all screens, especially phones, charging outside the bedroom at night to protect sleep and reduce late-night scrolling.
• Model the Behavior: If you are constantly on your phone, your message won’t be as effective. Put your own device away when you are trying to connect.
• Non-Negotiable Time: Agree on a mandatory unplugged time after school or on weekends (e.g., “From 5 PM to 7 PM on weekdays, devices are charging”). Use this time for family activities, chores, or physical movement.
• Support Offline Hobbies: Encourage and facilitate activities that naturally require them to put the gadget down: sports, art, playing a musical instrument, or volunteering.
Effective Communication
• Be a Great Listener, not a Quick Solver: Teens often want to vent or share, not get a lecture or immediate solution. Listen without interrupting and resist the urge to jump in with advice or judgment. - Try reflecting: “Wow, that sounds really frustrating,” or “So, what I hear you saying is you felt left out.”
- Validate Their Feelings: Even if a problem seems small to you, it’s huge to them. Acknowledge their emotions with empathy. Avoid dismissive phrases like “It’s not a big deal” or “You’ll get over it.”
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of questions that lead to a “yes” or “no” answer, use questions that require more thought, especially during casual moments. - Try: “What’s the most interesting thing that happened today?” or “What are your thoughts on [a current event/school issue]?”
• Pick Your Battles: Overlooking minor issues (like messy rooms or questionable clothing choices) means you’ll have their attention and goodwill for the bigger, non-negotiable issues (like safety and core values).
• Be Mindful of Your Reactions: Teens are more likely to open up if they don’t fear an angry, critical, or overly emotional response. Try to stay calm even when the topic is difficult- this may not be humanly possible all the time.
If you notice that your teenaged child is experiencing any significant changes in sleeping/eating habits, consistent sadness, hopelessness, or resorting to self-harm or drug use, please seek professional help immediately.
